Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Confessions Of An Ex-Wife-The Story Drags On

After dating and living together for approximately three months, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. He wasn't supposed to be able to have kids darn it! The doctors said so. His own track record of not getting anyone pregnant thus far said so. This was not supposed to happen.

I found myself really excited about having another baby. Melissa was six after all. He was sooo good with Melissa that I KNEW he was going to make a great father for this baby too. Still, even under the best of circumstances we had a lot to deal with. We were still getting to know each other, we had jumped head first into this serious relationship, and now I was pregnant.

Soon after I found out I was pregnant, I noticed two things. The first is that I had morning sickness morning, noon and night. It was like the demons of hell had been unleashed on me. I had the kind of morning sickness where you never barf, you just FEEL like you are going to. All the time. Every day. All day long. The second thing I noticed was that my boyfriend was not much of a homebody. He preferred to be bowling, riding four wheelers, working on his car, going to the racetrack, shooting paintball guns, doing anything except for be at home.

I noticed it, but I kind of shrugged off and thought that I needed to just be lucky to finally have someone. Finances proved to be a hurdle. He made twice as much money as I did, and we were splitting the bills evenly. This got to me. He had way more spending money than I did, and he was not too keen on sharing.

Lesson #......Well, whatever. When discussing finances when both parties are working, make sure that the agreement you reach is fair. If one person is making considerably more money than the other person, a 50/50 split is probably not the best idea.

Be prepared to live with whatever arrangement you make. I was so high on love that I didn't think about the long term issues that would arise from this arrangement.

Lesson # 8 or 9(I think) I cannot express this enough. Have your own life. Have your own friends and hobbies.

It is very dangerous/unhealthy to wrap your entire life around one person. If you don't have any hobbies, get some. Join the Y or a bowling league. Even Alien Watchers Anonymous. Whatever it takes to have your own interests. This would be a major problem for me later on down the road.

I decided around four or five months into the pregnancy that we needed to get married. We talked about and I pushed for it. He proposed. What I didn't realize at the time was that he didn't want to get married. I wanted to get married, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't that I didn't love him. My main reason for wanting to get married was so that I would be "respectable". After all, I already had ONE child out of wedlock, I didn't want to add another one. My lack of respectability was confirmed a couple of months earlier when I told my boss I was pregnant. She looked like I had just told her I was quitting my job to become a professional bull rider. I have never seen a more shocked look on anyone's face. No one in my family was shocked. We had more dysfunction in our family than the Osbournes.

So we got engaged but decided to wait until after the baby was born to get married. We said we didn't want to give the impression that we were just getting married because of the baby. K bounced around from job to job. I continued to work at my same job. Now don't get to thinking that I was little Miss Merry Sunshine. I was getting bigger by the minute, my hormones were raging, and he was dragging me all kinds of places that I did not want to go. I went to the racetrack with him, we went out to dinner, out to clubs, concerts, you name it. I was dragging my tired big ole pregnant butt all over the place.

Around the seventh month I realized that it was time to start buying baby stuff. Which I did. With my own money. Mr. Selfish did not spend ONE SINGLE DIME on anything for that baby. Then he complained that I wasn't letting him help pick anything out.

The amount of time that he spent with his friends was really starting to exasperate me to no end. The more frustrated I got, the more controlling I TRIED to be. At that point in my life, I wouldn't wish that version of me on Satan himself. I was so witchy.

Next Lesson: Never, never waste your time trying to be the boss of someone. The more you try to control a person, the more they will pull away from you and resent you.

Frankly, trying to control him took more energy than it was worth, and it didn't work. I can't begin to describe how unhappy I was at this point. I was wasn't getting what I needed or wanted (not that my wants were realistic anyway). Having this grown up relationship was not doing everything for my life that I imagined it would. I was so deluded and misguided I could barely see straight. I am really not even sure how I was able to parent Melissa in the emotional state that I was in.

The long and short of it is that we were BOTH walking disasters, that had somehow ended up together. The only question is: How much longer would it be before this ill fated relationship self destructed?.......and we weren't even married yet.


HW said...

Just from the broad description you've given; it doesn't sound like you were really controlling of him, but more like you had some expectations from him that seemed reasonable. Like, staying home and helping you prepare for the baby, allowing you to rest, not dragging you all over the place to clubs, etc. Also, expecting him to chip in financially is a reasonable thing, not controlling.

Having said that; you know what you were like back then, and I think it's great that you are being so honest with your story.

Susiewearsthepants said...

HW-I'm trying really hard to keep it real.

Godless Sunday said...

I agree, your honesty is really charming. And I appreciate that.

desperate housewife said...

I'm enjoying the story, rough ride though it is!