I thought blogging about my recent cell phone drama would make me feel better. Unfortunately, all it did was tick me off even more. Yesterday I received a letter from the cell phone company, which I will now post in it's entirety:
Dear Susan Rogers,
You've been automatically enrolled in the 2008 Blank Wireless VIP Program at no cost to you. There is nothing you need to do except take advantage of all the exclusive benefits now available to you. It's simply our way of thanking you for your continued business.
Enclosed you'll find information to familiarize yourself with the VIP Program. We've also provided you with a VIP card that lists all the great benefits you can start enjoying immediately.
We hope you enjoy the VIP Program. And thank you again for choosing America's Most Reliable Network. We look forward to serving you for years to come.
Manager, Preferred Customer Team
Your VIP membership includes:
Up to $50 off any new phone or PDA every year
Text alerts to let you know if you're close to exceeding your minutes and may benefit by changing your calling plan.
One time Overage Protection Credit
25% off wireless accessories
Free two day shipping on all purchases
Free phone book transfer to your new phone
Waived activation and upgrade fees
Now where do I even begin. I will start with the actual composition of the letter. Forgive me for saying, but are they too lazy to use full words? I have never seen so many conjunctions in what I would deem a professional letter. Are the words "you have" simply too long to type? What about that sentence that begins with the word "And". Am I wrong or is it not improper to start a sentence with the word "And"?
As for the so called "benefits" that I am now eligible for since I have achieved so called VIP status, what a joke! I ALREADY receive all of those benefits now, and to tell you the truth, big whoop. I have never paid shipping any time I have ordered products and phones. What about the alleged waiver of upgrade fees? I have NEVER had to pay any upgrade or activation fees either.
Let's address the fabulous text alerts that let me know when I am close to using all my minutes. I don't need alerts to check my minutes. I can simply log onto my account online or punch in 646# on my phone and I get a FREE text message letting me know how many minutes I have used.
Do they really think that people are stupid enough to fall for this crap? Do they really think that I think I am now getting some kind of special treatment? How in the world am I getting special treatment when this supposedly wonderful program includes crap that I have been getting ALL ALONG.
The last sentence, "We look forward to serving you for years to come". I will bet they look forward to serving me for years to come seeing as they just scammed me into ordering a phone that was DISCONTINUED!!!!!! A phone that I am stuck with for TWO YEARS until my contract expires again. I will bet they looking forward to the hellacious $176 dollars I spend every month. They look forward to sticking it to me any way they can.
My favorite phrase is, "at no additional cost to you". Do they really think that I am not paying for all this stuff in one way or another.
This would be my response letter to them:
Dear Ridiculous Wireless Company,
I have received your recent letter regarding my new VIP status with your company. First of all, let me say that I am extremely disappointed in your constant use of the words "you've" and "you'll". Do you have no one in your company that proof reads these standardized letters before they are put into circulation? Are you unaware that you should not begin a sentence with the word "and"? Maybe someone in your company should take a refresher English course, if I may be so bold as to suggest it.
As for the alleged "services" that I am now eligible to receive, this is the most bogus load of hogwash that I have ever had the misfortune to read. Your company has been providing me all of these services free of charge for four years. Your attempt to bamboozle and hoodwink me failed this time. I may have been stupid enough to fall for the allure of the discontinued phone that you shoved off on me, but I am not stupid enough to fall for this ridiculous attempt to make me feel special in some way.
It saddens me that you do not give your customers more credit than that. If you truly feel a desire to make me feel like a "VIP", maybe you should take back this discontinued phone and give me a free replacement phone. You do want me to be a satisfied customer don't you? You would like to continue to receive my payments and those of everyone in my entire family would you not?
Please waste no more of my precious time sending me letters to tell me how special I am. If I need a morale boost, I have plenty of people who can provide this for me. I look forward to being your worst nightmare for years to come. I look forward to bombarding your call center with requests to change my calling plan, questions about my bill, requests for recent copies of my bill, adding and taking away services and features constantly, becoming enraged at charges on my bill and swearing that I did not incur said charges and any other annoying thing that I can possibly conceive of.
Hood Winked and Bamboozled