Monday, August 4, 2008

Confesssions Of An Ex Wife Part....uuhh Whatever

Last week was very stressful for me. The beginning of the school year was closing in on my empty pocketbook. Keri was in Michigan visiting relatives. There were some issues while she was there. I have been deciding on whether or not to blog about them, and if I did how to do it delicately.

Have you ever had someone in your life that could not be relied upon? Someone who could not tell the truth or follow through with what they said? I have had someone like this in my life. I still have to deal with this person once in a while. Even though they live far, far away. They won’t. Go. Away. We will call this person “NKD” which stands for Not Keri’s Dad.

NKD has a new person in his life. Keri is not ready to deal with this new person in his life. She feels threatened and jealous. I can understand that. She told me a while back that she didn’t want to travel to see NKD if he was living with a woman she didn’t know. I told her that was fine, and that I would not force her to go if she didn’t want to. Legally, he has no rights to her anyway seeing as how he is NKD.

Him and I went back and forth for a month on this issue. He felt that I should force Keri to go up there whether she wanted to or not. I disagreed. Strongly. I feel that children should not be forced into these situations if it can be helped. Finally we reached what I felt was a suitable compromise. Keri would go stay with her Grandma up there. She would be able to visit her dad if she wanted, but would not be forced to stay in the house with NKD and his new live-in girlfriend. Also NKD was not to have his new girlfriend around Keri. Period.

Keri flat out told me that she didn’t even want to meet her. I mentioned to her a couple of times that maybe if she did meet this woman, she would find this woman to be a nice person. Keri was having none of that. That is the reason for the last “rule” of the visit. Everyone agreed. Grandma agreed, NKD agreed, and I was happy with the arrangement and felt that everything had been planned with Keri’s best interest at heart.

Why I thought that NKD would respect ANY of the compromises, I don’t know. It’s not as if he has a history of keeping his word, or being particularly honest. As soon as he got Keri to Grandma’s, the first thing he did was show up with TG-aka The Girlfriend. This I found out later from the Grandma as she was not willing to cover or lie for him. The next day, he managed to fool Grandma, and managed to get Keri out to the lake to hang out with TG.

This I found out from Keri the next day. Thank goodness I have told her that it is never OK to lie to Mom, and she didn’t even try. I was not impressed that NKD had put her in this position. When I said to NKD that I would not allow Keri to return to Michigan for another visit if couldn't abide by the terms of the agreement, he became angry with me. I pointed out to him that HE had agreed to this arrangement. HE said he would follow the terms of the agreement. I was not the one who was failing my end of the bargain. I told him that for the duration of the visit, he was only allowed to visit Keri at Grandma's house. He was not allowed to take Keri anywhere, as he was bringing TG for every single outing.

This turned into a situation where Keri was put into the middle of it. I was not comfortable with this. I reconsidered and called him and told him that if Keri was comfortable with it, I didn't mind for her to be around TG. I didn't feel that I was wrong, or that I should have to make this compromise. I did feel that it was in Keri's best interest for me not to continue to battle it out with NKD. He was going to do what he wanted anyway, with or without my approval.

Sometimes it is so hard to be the bigger person. It is EXTREMELY difficult to make compromises you feel you shouldn't have to make. What is the most disappointing about the whole thing is that I felt that NKD and I have become friends over the years. I felt like I was betrayed by someone that I considered a friend. I was stabbed right in the back. To add insult to injury, I had to be the one to call a truce. It's so easy to do the right thing when you KNOW you are doing the right thing and you feel good about it. It's harder to do the right thing, when you know it's the best you can do, but you just don't feel good about it.

Parenting when you are divorced is tricky. There are quite a few intricate dynamics that come into play. I honestly try hard to make choices and decisions based on what I feel is in Keri's best interest. I try to leave my personal emotions out of it. I want to make clear headed, logical choices for her. The problem is, sometimes I don't necessarily FEEL logical or clear headed. I might for example, be filled with an all consuming rage that threatens to devour my soul. Because...NOBODY messes with my kids. NOBODY, especially Not Keri's Dad should even want to mess with my kids.

Thankfully all that drama is over with and she is home and seemingly NOT emotionally traumatized after all that happened this week.

On a lighter note, I spent the entire day cleaning my house yesterday. I dusted, vacuumed, mopped floors, and cleaned toilets. I felt so good about all that I had accomplished, as that would allow me more time to work on the serious issues. You know, like plotting ways to bring down the oppressive cell phone companies or finding ways to torture my ex husband without doing any truly permanent damage (He is (Not) Keri's father after all) Anyway, I came home from work today and my ENTIRE kitchen floor was sticky. Not just a small section where something was spilled, THE WHOLE FRIGGIN floor was sticky. I wanted to know what happened. Melissa accused me of not being able to properly mop the floor. I told her that the floor wasn't sticky last night when I went to bed. Keri comes through the living and confessed that she had spilled orange juice and had been unable to find the mop.

I have mopped the floor THREE times and it is still sticky. The ironic part is that I haven't mopped the floor in a couple of weeks days. When I FINALLY give the floor a good mopping, Keri goes behind me and somehow manages to get the entire floor sticky.

Well, I suppose I should go and mop the floor. Again.


HW said...

Unfortunately, when I mop the floor, it is usually my husband that spills somethings...bless his heart.

You are doing fine with Keri and NKD. It is obvious that you have her best interest at heart - that she is your priority - both your girls are. Is there any way NKD would travel to your home state to visit Keri? That way you might have a little more control.

You are being the bigger person and I know it stinks sometimes. It cetainly doesn't seem like Keri has suffered for your actions.

You're a great mom.

Farrell said...

OMIG we are soul sisters! NKD sounds just like FB (except for the "friends" part).
Sometimes it SUCKS being the bigger person. Sometimes adults need a "free tantrum pass," or at least I do.

Astarte said...

You are SUCH the bigger person. I can only imagine how upset you must have been to have your child put into the middle like that with you so far away. Ugh, what a JERK he is.

Orange juice is impossible. Good luck with THAT.

Karen Deborah said...

wow what a mess, glad it tunred out alright. Isn't it the truth that when you clean somebody messes up? Murphy is alive!
thanks for the nice compliment about my dining room. If I could help I would.

starrlife said...

Wow- that's a tough call which was admirably and thoughtfully handled. here's a hit for the recession! Thanks for coming by my blog and commenting. I'll be back!