Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Voice

For those of you who may not have realized it yet...I'm a nut. I have managed to spend the last year convincing myself that once my employer realizes that they have made a terrible mistake, I will be out the door. I got a promotion last year. I was skepitcal about it, but I took the position. I have always felt like a fraud. The little voice in the back of my head whispers to me,"You're not one of them, you don't have anything in common with any of them, you didn't grow up like any of them did, if they only knew about you....."

The other thing "The Voice" says to me is,"You can't do this job, you're not smart enough, you don't even have a degree yet, soon they are going to realize that they made a mistake". So basically I sit around waiting for the bomb to go off so to speak. I am waiting to get fired any day now. I said all that to tell you that yesterday I heard some whispering. I managed to convince myself over the course of the evening that I was going to come in and get fired today. I thought about how many times I have been late because I have to drop off The DQ at school before I come in. I thought about some other things that I probably better not mention. (Did I mention that I scored high for paranoia on a personality test?) This paranoia makes me think that someone from work might actually read this and of course that would lead to my immediate termination. Do you see the twisted garbledegook that my mind has become?

The big question is...Are my thoughts valid? Are they based on actual facts or the insecure ramblings of my twisted mind?

I actually did approach my boss this morning and let him know that I am having a hard time getting to work on time because of the changed school schedule this year. He was very supportive and understanding and said that we would work around it. I was completely shocked. I don't know what I expected, but that was not it. I also did not get fired. I guess sometimes my imagination gets the best of me. I actually should take some affirmative action and fire "The Voice". The Voice is obviously a liar and not to be trusted. So the big question is....How do you fire "The Voice"? It's been around as long as I can remember, making me feel insecure and having me doubt every positive thing that has come into my life......


nananana07 said...

OK Sweetheart....Now I am beginning to worry!!! You have been listening to The VOICE!!!! lol
You just tell that VOICE to get lost. You are a very smart person. And also very pretty....Oh I are probably saying "This is Mom saying this" But that is not really all of the above and more.You have done a awesome job in raising those girls. Me and your dad are so very proud of you. If you count the years, You have come such a long way in really a short time.
You have accomplished so much in a short time. So don't you go listening to that OLD VOICE. It does not know what it is saying. Love you sweetheart......Mom

alltruthforever said...

The "Voice" you are hearing is probably the devil. Watch out he's gonna GET YA! Lol Just kidding about that. The devil wants you to turn everything positive you get into something negative and he wants you to think you can't have it. You just have to say "Hey I can have it god gave it to me it's not yours to have". Evil forebodings are expecting bad things to happen before they do. You seem to do this and this can make your days filled with affliction. You just have to focus on turning your thinking around.

HW said...

Your past is influencing the way you look at yourself, which is understandable. But you are so much more than the sum of your childhood. You have accomplished so much and continue to do so.

Something that works for me: when I go to bed at night, instead of beating myself up over what I DIDN'T do well; I list in my mind the things I accomplished that day.
Try it!

Anonymous said...

Hey! It's your cousin, Jennifer (Jenny, Jen, whatever you wanna call me!)... been reading your blogs, but still have yet to respond to your email.. Some set of priorities I have, huh?

I just wanted to say: I have "The Voice" too. I DESPISE it. It can't let me just be happy... or simply just BE -- at all. I try to tune it out or ignore it, but it's a very hard thing to do.

Not sure if I've ever seen a "paranoia" result on any personality tests I have taken, but I can guarantee the result would be off the charts!

Anyway, I've really enjoyed reading your blogs... and I'll be responding to that mail soon!