We are gathered here tonight this 11th day of March in the year 2008 to share my epiphany. Tonight I made dinner, loaded the dishwasher, did three loads of laundry including folding and putting away, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned my living room, vacuumed, and cleaned the hideous wood/glass tables. Not once during all these activities was I plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt because of some homework or assignment or test that needs to be taken. For the first time in three years, I was able to clean and not feel guilty that I should be doing something else.
I have one paper that I am almost finished with. It was supposed to be turned in on Monday, but the professor decided to give us an extra week. She used class time last night to over these papers individually and offer pointers and suggestions. So, my paper needs a couple of modifications, and it will be complete. Which means that even when I decide to sit down and finish it up, I will not be plagued with guilt about house work that I should be doing.
Let's go back in time for a minute (or two). Three years ago when I started school, I had the misguided belief that I would be able to go to school and continue doing all the things I did before. Was I ever wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Several weeks after I started school, I called my mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I whined about how I didn't have time to keep the house as clean as I did before. Nothing was getting done. Nothing, nothing, nothing. My house was in a shambles.
I started blowing up at my children. I would come from school, late at night I might add, and there would be a sink full of dishes. The living room would be messy. I would rant and rave at the girls. I finally had a talk with them and told them that we were in this together. It was going to take all of us working together for me to be able to go to college and work full time. Everyone was going to have to do their part. Everyone would eventually reap the benefits when I graduated and was able to earn more money.
My little talk helped. Sissy took over taking care of the kitchen. The DQ sort of took over the living room. Things were still messy and not as clean as I would have liked. OK, OK, the place has looked like
Brethren(HW) that is not the case anymore. This last semester has not been as tough on me as some semesters were. There were times when, due to the nature of the classes I was taking that I spent A LOT of time studying and doing homework. Anyway, my house is starting to resemble what a house is supposed to look like. Things are getting putting away. Furniture is being dusted. Floors are being vacuumed, swept, and mopped. Oh the joy! Rapture even! I am not saying it's perfect, but it's getting better.
I have had to let a lot of things slide over the last three years. There was no way around it. Everything that needed to get done, didn't. I learned to be OK with that. I learned that stressing out over my house was not doing me any good. I decided that this was my opportunity to further my education, and to make a better life for myself and my girls. The house work would still be there, ever faithful-when I finished school.
As much I hate to admit it, I got used to a messy house. It didn't really bother me. I had a "whatever" mentality. Even so, somewhere in the back of mind I always felt guilty. Like I SHOULD be able to do it all. I have even felt lazy. During my free time I didn't want to spend it cleaning house, so I didn't.
I said all that to say that I finally feel like my old self again. The me who keeps a clean house, raises children, and holds down a full time job. The me who will have time do all these things, and blog for my one reader. I can't remember when I have felt this good. It was really hard for me to blog about the fact that I couldn't and didn't do EVERYTHING. You see, I have always done it all. Since I was sixteen years old. It was really hard for me say that my house has been perpetually messy for the last freakin' three years. But another part of me wanted to. I want to remember that I am human and not perfect. And unfortunately, not capable of doing everything on my own. (Boy, that last one was really hard)
After next week, my time will be mine again. I will be free to be the clean freak I used to be. I will be able to fix up my yard. (I forgot to mention that my landscaping has been really hideous, and I haven't pulled a weed in two years)
So brethren (HW) join me as I celebrate graduating college next week. I didn't think I would make it. Frankly, there were a few times when I wanted to quit.